Welcome to Goblin of the Week, where the concept is so sinple even Goblin players will get it. Every week, we pick one Goblin. That Goblin is Goblin of the Week. That's it. We are also aware there’s a typo in the first sentence but we don’t fixing typos for Goblin of the Week either which is a new rule we just invtented.

You may be wondering how we pick the illustrious Goblin of the Week? You're assuming we've thought that far ahead. And thinking is for Blue.

There was a period in Magic: The Gatherin Lore where basically everything was subject to being Phyrexianated. Yes, I know the term is Compleated but I said what I said.

In most cases, this led to the subjects in question becoming evil borg versions of themselves but that’s not important. What is important is that there has been a number of Phyrexianated goblins and I guess goblins are already the compleatest because it didn’t change shit.

Behold, your Goblin of the Week: Dominaria United’s Splatter Goblin. For starters, the flavour text has already made my point:

“For some, perfection is but a single moment when form and purpose converge.”

—Rona

Secondly, the art from Lars Grant-West depicts not only the majestic Splatter Goblin in flight, but equipped with what appears to be a large rock to, uh, enhance the blast radius (thematic and surprisingly frequent Goblin tech). 

Finally, you can keep your Sheoldreds and Eleshes and such, because Splatter Goblin knows what’s up. It’s here to splat, and in splatting, maybe coat something in gross goo. We should all be so lucky.

First Printing: Dominaria United (2022)